I'd rather go blind

Watch "Olga singing some Etta James" on YouTube

Holiday apps: Welcome guests with small bites of big flavor | TribLIVE

Your Christmas List 2013

http://triblive.com/lifestyles/fooddrink/3111427-74/tasting-beers-beer#axzz2HIeQqpJf

My visit to the Market Square Farmers Market

http://triblive.com/lifestyles/2446038-74/market-square-smoked-family-salmon-kolbassi-farmers-farm-bread-billy#axzz254CTLMXT

Why I Love Lucy....and vodka.

The content below was originally included in my story "Fresh Finds are on the Menu at the Farmers@Firehouse Market" for the Pittsburgh Tribune Review. Most of this was cut from the published story in the editing process, which is just the way it goes sometimes. I'm not a restaurant reviewer and I do not aspire to be a restaurant reviewer. In fact, I find most contemporary reviewers, particularly those of the local variety, to be boring, inconsistent, a bit arrogant and moody for my taste and generally not at all relevant to my decision making process. However, when I find restaurants, products, businesses and people that excite and entertain me, I feel the need to share those details with everyone. There are plenty of bad restaurants, bars and all manner of businesses, artists and entertainers out there. So I believe that sharing my most positive moments and interesting experiences is the best use of my time and effort. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Why I Love Lucy
Early in the fall of 2011 I was making my weekly trek through Pittsburgh's Strip District to pick up restaurant supplies for work. I was hungry enough to decide that street food was going to have to do the trick for my breakfast/lunch that day so I skipped my usual short cut route and headed down Penn Avenue. My plan was to stop as soon as I saw a parking space somewhere after 24th street and buy some chow from the closest street food vendor. 

I had passed this particular food stand on Penn for years without stopping because I'm typically in a ridiculous hurry to finish my shopping and get to work. I'd also always assumed it was just another chicken-on-a-stick purveyor so I never felt compelled to check it out. On this day, a parking spot [magically] became available right in front of the little lady whose grill is always set up in front of Bar Marco in the 2200 block of Penn. 

I was mentally prepared for my chicken-or-whatever-on-a-stick lunch when she said “I make Vietnamese hoagie. You want one?” Well, hell yes, I want one. I didn't know what a Vietnamese hoagie was at the time, but I definitely wanted one. I watched her as she cut a piece of fresh baguette through the center and layered it with a very generous portion of juicy, marinated grilled chicken, fresh cucumber and jalapeno pepper slices, fresh cilantro and a combination of pickled, chopped cauliflower, shredded carrots and sliced red onions. “Sauce?” she asked. “Oh yeah” I said. I didn’t know what the sauce was and I didn’t care. The incredibly promising combination of ingredients and aroma of the grilled meat (grilled on a stick no less) was all the information I needed. I was planning to take my lunch to work with me but as I sat in the car returning a text message, I was overcome by the delicious smells and too weak to resist the temptation any longer.

I opened it up to take “just one bite”. Fifteen minutes later, my steering wheel, shirt and chin were covered with the sticky, sweet mystery sauce from the sandwich. And there I was, looking under the car seats for anything that resembled a beverage to snuff out the blissful little fire on the tip of my tongue caused by the seeds of the fresh jalapeno. I was as happy in that moment as I have ever been.

Ngan Thi Sheets, otherwise known as “Lucy”, is a bubbly and talented little dynamo who operates a Bahn Mi (pronounced "bon my") stand in front of 2216 Penn Avenue in the heart of the strip district. She’s there Monday through Saturday from 8am until she runs out of product. She makes these incredible sandwiches from May through October then she travels home to Vietnam to visit her family during our cold  weather months. I was instantly her newest fan and devotee.

Many of Lucy's customers stop for one of her delightful concoctions in route to their work places during the morning rush hour. She's ready with her Bahn Mi, the only thing she sells, early in the morning so her loyal fans can enjoy this stunningly delicious grub during their lunch hour. 

Bahn Mi is actually the Vietnamese word for bread but has also come to refer to this delicious and atypical sandwich creation because it uses baguette. The traditional Bahn Mi sandwich is a common Vietnamese street food and a perfect example of how cross cultural interactions influence food trends and traditions. The conventional Bahn Mi stand offers a sandwich that is a product of French colonialism in Indochina in the 1800’s and represents an unlikely co-mingling of two diametrically opposed culinary styles. The baguette is layered with French ingredients like pate and mayonnaise as well as Vietnamese ingredients like fresh cilantro, pickled carrots, hot peppers and Vietnamese pork and pork belly cold cuts. Lucy’s version of the sandwich, although not one hundred percent traditional with its use of chicken and a tangy, sweet and hot sauce, is one of the best sandwiches I’ve ever had and it may be the best street food I’ve ever eaten. The combination and balance of flavors and textures creates an almost perfect sandwich eating experience. Don't try to do this at home because you won't have the most important ingredient available to you and that is Lucy herself. There's a little love in Lucy's Bahn Mi. Take the time to stop and meet her and sample her wares. It's a $6 sensation you won't soon forget.

Bar Marco and the Spicy Mango Bloody Mary

While I was visiting Lucy and forcing a Bahn Mi on intrepid Trib photographer Heidi Murrin, the bartender from Bar Marco, Ngai Wharff, came outside with samples of fresh, spicy and savory, marinated mango slices. Locally grown, seasonal herbs, onions and hot peppers are combined to create a unique, well balanced and refreshing marriage of flavors that are the main ingredient in the Spicy Mango Bloody Mary offered on Bar Marco's cocktail menu. Naturally, three minutes later, I was seated at the bar, eagerly anticipating my first sip of the promising liquid breakfast.This tall, cool glass of happiness won bartender Ngai Wharff second place in the national finals at the NOLA Tales of the Cocktail competition in New Orleans, Louisiana last year and rightfully so. I can't imagine the drink that took first place over Ngai's mango brainchild.

Bar Marco was founded by four friends who graduated from Greensburg Salem High School together in 2003. Bobby Fry, Justin Steel, Michael Kreha and Kevin Cox are best friends and now bar owners and business partners. There’s an art gallery that showcases the works of local artists on their second floor. On the first floor, the restaurant and bar are open Wednesday through Saturday from 5pm to 2am. Their menu features many locally sourced delicacies; small plates, charcuterie, chilled asparagus soup, duck BLTs, white wine lentils and mussels with sorrel among other items. Brunch is available on Saturdays and Sundays from 10-3 and includes items like breakfast risotto, hanger steak and eggs, whiskey cured salmon and plantain pancakes. If that’s not enough to lure you down there, just consider the cocktail menu and it's selection of creative libations like Campari and champagne based cocktails, flights of champagne, negroni, caipirinha and of course, my new favorite, the Spicy Mango Bloody Mary. The Bar Marco guys are also big fans and supporters of Lucy and her Bahn Mi stand, which alone makes them worthy of my patronage. The Farmers@Firehouse market, Lucy’s Bahn Mi and Bar Marco’s Spicy Mango Bloody Mary are all within an arms length of each other on the same block of Penn Avenue and available to you every Saturday morning.

Drink up Yinz SAD Bitches

Hot off the Grill

From today's Pittsburgh Trib Hot off the Grill
Here is the original copy with MORE recipes for your Memorial Day cookout. Remember to thank the veterans in your life this weekend for their service. Have a great holiday!

It’s time to break out the white shoes and fire up the grill! Memorial Day weekend marks a symbolic beginning to summer for many of us; the weather is usually beautiful, the end of the school year is nigh,  the farmers markets have popped up all over town and lots of folks have a three day weekend scheduled that includes some kind of cookout with family and friends.

Initially my plan was to walk through some easy BBQ ideas for all the weekend grill masters because BBQ is among the most popular of foods in this country. However, the further I dive into the world of BBQ, my own recipes and techniques included, the more I realize that there is really nothing easy about it.

Barbeque; There may be no more confusing or convoluted culinary term in history.  Not only does every U.S. region, state and city have its own idea of what barbeque means but even dictionaries,  historians and chefs can’t find common ground in the barbeque arena. Is it a noun, a verb, a sauce, a piece of equipment, a social event or a cooking method?  Is it spelled BBQ or barbeque or barbacoa? Does barbeque mean only pork shoulder or whole hogs as some believe, or beef and chicken or shrimp on the barbi? Suffice to say, the term barbeque means many things to many people. So in the interest of keeping things simple for now, I’ve put together a Memorial Day grilling menu.

J. P. Mackovich of Two Brothers BBQ in Collier Twp. , the Pittsburgh area’s number one rated BBQ joint on Urbanspoon.com, says that regardless of what you decide to grill, there are three essential steps you must first take. Make sure you have sufficient gas or charcoal at the ready so as not to run out of fire mid-party. Make sure that your grill grates are perfectly clean and free of debris.  And wipe the grill grates with a little vegetable oil before you begin to grill. J. P.’s BBQ stand and catering operation is producing tens of thousands of pounds of smoked meats (or barbequed, depending on who you ask) each year which is one reason that he is my “go-to” BBQ expert. The other is that his brisket is so good it pops up in your dreams and beckons you to Collier Twp. We will revisit him later in the summer for a lesson on how to turn your regular, old, back yard grill into a smoker.

This Memorial Day menu includes grilling recipes and side dish ideas, a few of which are from friends with whom I’ve enjoyed a cook out or two. These can be prepared on a gas or charcoal grill and the side dish recipes offer some slightly less than traditional cook out options for your holiday table.  Have a fun and safe holiday weekend. Happy grilling to you!

MENU

Buffalo Blue Cheese Burgers

Tequila-Lime Grilled Chicken Wings

Coffee and Cocoa Spice Rubbed Boneless Pork Chops

Lentil & Orange Salad

Feta & Orzo Salad

Cold Rice & Black Bean Salad

 Grilled Sweet Potatoes with Honey Butter

Boston BBQ Baked Beans

Sweet Cherry Cobbler

Not Your Favorite Wine Sangria

Buffalo Blue Cheese Burgers

Makes 8 burgers

8 fresh burger buns

2-3 # ground beef 80/20 or 81/19

½ pound crumbled blue cheese

1 shallot, minced

1 clove garlic, minced

3 green onions, very thinly sliced

½ cup of Frank’s Red Hot or other Louisiana type hot sauce

1 tsp kosher salt

Fresh ground pepper

In a large mixing bowl, combine all ingredients except for the blue cheese and burger buns. Use your hands to mix all these ingredients well. Divide your beef into 8 equal portions shaped like meat balls. Make an indentation into each meat ball with your thumb and insert an ounce of blue cheese crumbles into the center of each meatball, then close the indentation and reshape into a burger patty. Cook on a hot grill, about 450°F, for about 5-7 minutes on each side for medium doneness, flipping occasionally. If you’re not a big fan of blue cheese, use a different sharp cheese inside your burgers. Serve with lettuce, tomatoes, raw onions, your favorite condiments and even some cooked bacon on the side of you’re feeling decadent.

Tequila-Lime Grilled Chicken Wings

For 5 pounds of whole wings, or approx 20 wings

1 cup tequila

½ cup of vegetable oil

1 bunch cilantro, leaves separated from stems

The juice of 3 whole limes

The zest of 1 whole lime

The juice of 1 whole lemon

½ tsp cumin

1 tsp granulated garlic

1 tsp dried ancho chili powder (substitute regular chili powder if needed)

1 tsp Kosher salt

½ tsp freshly ground black pepper

Combine all ingredients except chicken wings in a mixing bowl and whisk together. Lay wings flat in a shallow pan or divide into gallon size zip bags. Add marinade to chicken wings and refrigerate for 1-24 hours. Preheat oven to 375°F. Cook wings in the oven first for 15 minutes. You can also cook the wings a day ahead and just finish them on the grill. When the grill is at around 400°F, transfer wings to grill and cook, uncovered, for about 6-8 minutes on each side, turning regularly to avoid too much charring. You want the wings to be crispy and well caramelized but not burned. If you have an instant read thermometer, remove the wings from the grill and take a temperature. It should read between 165 and 185°F

Coffee & Cocoa Spiced Rubbed Boneless Pork Chops

For 8, 1-1 ½ inch thick boneless pork chops

¼ cup of ground, unflavored coffee 2 TBL (dark) unsweetened cocoa powder ¼  tsp cinnamon 1 TBL canola oil 1 tsp kosher salt ½ tsp freshly ground pepper ½ tsp dried cayenne and dried chili pepper ¼ cup dark brown sugar Combine all of the dry rub ingredients in a small mixing bowl and mash and mix with a fork until thoroughly combined. Lay pork chops flat on a tray and add about ¾ of a teaspoon of the rub in the center of each pork chop. Rub in completely over the entire side of the chop with your hands. Then, flip the chop over and repeat the process. Wrap chops in plastic and transfer to the refrigerator for 1-24 hours. Cook on grill on medium low heat, less than 400°F and cook for 6-10 minutes per side, turning occasionally. Pork chops are finished when the internal temperature at the thickest part of several chops reaches 141°F. Remove from the grill to take the temperature.

Lentil & Orange Salad from the kitchen of my friend Kate McGinley

Makes 8 servings

1 lb of dry green lentils

1 yellow bell pepper

1 red bell pepper

1 blood orange

1 bunch parsley

1/2 bunch mint

1 medium red onion

1/2 lb raisins

Salt & pepper to taste

Dressing:

Juice of 1 lime

4 tbsp apple cider vinegar

6 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Rinse & clean lentils in colander.  In stock pot, cover lentils with 5 cups cold water.  Cover, bring to boil, and cook for about 15 minutes (package directions).

Meanwhile, evenly dice peppers, orange, and onion, and place in serving bowl.  Add raisins to serving bowl.  Roughly chop mint and parsley, add to serving bowl.  Mix ingredients together.

 For dressing, whisk all ingredients together.

When lentils are ready, drain off any excess water and then pour lentils into serving bowl. While still warm, mix lentils with pepper, onion, orange, raisin and herb mix.  Pour dressing over, stir, add salt and pepper to season. Let salad cool in the refrigerator before serving.  Salad is generally best the next day, although it can keep for up to 4 days refrigerated.

Feta & Orzo Salad from the kitchen of my friend and fellow vocalist Tania Grubbs

Serves 8

1 box of cooked orzo, drained
1  cup crumbled feta cheese
½ of a 6oz bag of fresh baby spinach 
juice of 1 lemon
1/2 diced red onion
1 Cup of Greek Salad Dressing
Salt & Pepper to taste
Make the night ahead so the flavored can marry, then serve chilled. 

Greek Salad Dressing –

Makes 1 cup

3/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil
1/4 cup of red wine vinegar
1 tsp of dried oregano
1 teaspoon of salt
½ tsp freshly ground black pepper

Rice & Black Bean Salad from the kitchen of my long time cook out buddy, Jody Humprhries Burkland

Serves 8

1 cup water (or veggie stock/chicken stock if you want it a little more hearty)
1 teaspoon salt, divided 
1/2 cup long-grain rice (can also use quinoa or some rice blends for variety – just follow the cooking directions for whichever you choose)
6 tablespoons fresh lime juice (about 2 large limes) 
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 
1/2 to 1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 garlic clove, minced 
2 teaspoons of finely minced onion (optional)
1 cup rinsed and drained canned black beans 
1 cup fresh corn kernels (about 2 ears) $ 
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro 

Combine 1 cup water and 1/2 teaspoon salt in a large, heavy saucepan; bring to a boil. Add rice, garlic, onion and cumin to pan. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 20 minutes or until liquid is absorbed. Fluff with a fork.
Combine remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, juice, oil, pepper, and corn kernels in a large bowl. Add rice and beans; toss to coat. Let stand 15 minutes or until completely cool. Stir in cilantro.
You can also throw the corn kernels with the cilantro after the rice/beans have cooled – you just need to dunk it into some boiling water for about 30 seconds to soften it a little.

Grilled Sweet Potatoes with Honey Butter

This has become a staple at most of our cook outs. It’s super easy and delicious.

4 large potatoes will serve 8.

4 large sweet potatoes or yams

1 stick of butter, softened

¼ Cup of honey

½ tsp Kosher salt

½ tsp dried cayenne pepper

Mix softened butter, honey, salt and pepper together and return to fridge. Clean the potatoes. Use a fork to poke a few holes in the potatoes. Cook potatoes in microwave on high for 4 minutes, turn over and cook for 4 minutes more. Transfer cooked potatoes to a hot grill and grill for 3-5 minutes on each side until they are nicely grill marked. Transfer to a higher shelf on your grill to keep warm until everything is ready. Cut in half to serve and add a dollop of honey butter. We also serve this with strained Greek yogurt at times instead of sour cream or butter.

Boston BBQ Baked Beans from the family recipe files of my friend, Malcolm Frazer

Serves 8-10

28 oz can of baked beans

14 oz can of black beans

14 oz can of cannellini or navy beans

5 slices of bacon, chopped – plus enough bacon strips to cover top of vessel to be used, preferably smoked bacon

1 large onion – sliced

1 large red bell pepper – chopped

2-3 green apples. large dice

1 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce

¼ cup apple cider vinegar

¼ cup dark un-sulphured molasses

¼ cup prepared yellow mustard

optional – 2 tsp of cayenne pepper

This can be cooked right on top of grill as the grill heats to proper temp! Place cask iron, or similar heavy bottomed grill-safe,  pan/ Dutch oven on grill. When pan just starts to heat, render the 5 slices of chopped bacon in bottom of pan.

Saute’ the onion & pepper in the bacon fat until just softened. Bacon will continue to get a bit crispier.

Add all other ingredients except for the remaining bacon to the peppers, onion, and chopped bacon mix. Stir a few times until warmed. Move to side of grill. Cover with remaining bacon strips. (You can score the bacon so it’s easier to serve later.)I let it “bake” in the grill until all food is ready. If the items to be grilled do not allow for this method then cook on stove and finish in oven 300°F for 45minutes covered and broil for a few minutes at the end to crisp bacon.

Optional – Use ¾-1 cup of “burnt ends” or shredded beef bits from a previous BBQ cook out. Mix them into the beans instead of or in addition to the bacon bits.  You’ll need ¼ vegetable oil if you don’t use rendered bacon first. 

Sweet Cherry Cobbler

Sweet cherries are in season here at the end of May and beginning of June. Try some from your local farmers market in this simple cobbler recipe. Serve with vanilla ice cream or a little cold cream.

Makes 8 servings

¼ Cup unsalted butter, melted

1 cup flour

¼ tsp salt

1 teaspoon baking powder

¾ cup half and half

1 cup white sugar + 3/4 cup white sugar

1 tablespoon cornstarch

1 cup boiling water

4 Cups fresh cherries, pitted

Non-stick cooking spray

Make the dough by mixing 3/4 cup sugar, butter, flour, salt, baking powder, and half and half together.

Place cherries in the bottom of a 9 inch square pan that has been sprayed with non-stick spray.  Spread dough over the cherries. In a small bowl, combine 1 cup sugar and cornstarch. Stir in boiling water. Pour mixture over the dough.

Bake at 350°F for 50 minutes. Serve warm. You can pop this in the oven when you start serving your grilled items and it will be hot and ready to serve after dinner.

Not Your Favorite Wine Sangria

Since my high school days, I have been known to occasionally host a big party or two each year.  As an “adult” that has meant that often, after these parties, I’m left with a few bottles of wine that are not necessarily my favorites. So for the next party or get together I use them in the recipe below. Make this the night before your event.

2- 1.5 Liter bottles of white zinfandel or 1 a one gallon jug of sweet or semi-sweet white or red wine such as Chablis or Lambrusco

3 cups of brandy

1 cup of white sugar

3 oranges, pits removed, halved and sliced into ½ inch thick slices

2 grapefruits, pits removed, halved and sliced into ½ inch thick slices

4 lemons, pits removed, halved and sliced into ½ inch thick slices

4 limes, pits removed, halved and sliced into ½ inch thick slices

1-2 pound of any color seedless grapes, stems removed

1 pineapple, peeled, cored and sliced into ½ inch thick slices

1 quart strawberries, pitted and halved

1-2 Liter bottle of Sprite, 7-Up or Fresca

In a beverage dispensing cooler or 3 gallon plastic container, place all of the cleaned, sliced fruit on the bottom and mix it up with your hands. Spread the sugar over the fruit and mix again gently. Add the 3 cups of brandy, cover tightly and refrigerate overnight. You can give this a gentle stir once in a while as it’s convenient for you. In the morning add all of the wine to the mixture and stir gently again. Keep this refrigerated until you are ready to serve it. Just before serving, add the 2 liter bottle soda and top off with ice until the serving container is full. You can serve more ice on the side. Leave a ladle inside the serving container so your guests can scoop out the fruit. Enjoy responsibly.

“Restaurant Regulars”, A Blessing and a Curse or Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Ass

“Restaurant Regulars”,  A Blessing and a Curse or Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Ass

By Olga Watkins

We love to make you happy but we don’t always like you. We need you so we can survive in an incredibly competitive industry but we don’t want you to know that we need you. We spend hours planning menus, booking entertainment, setting up rooms and selecting food and beverage features in preparation  for your relatively brief visits. We want your time in our restaurant to be ideal for you and lucrative for us. The only thing we look forward to more than your satisfaction and delight is your timely egress.  

It was Aesop who said that familiarity breeds contempt. That truth is realized in many different scenarios as we journey through life. And often  it becomes  a sentiment in the relationships between restaurant workers and their regular customers. Repeat customers play an essential role in the success of any restaurant. Even restaurants in tourist areas have to cultivate relationships with the locals so they can fill their seats during leaner times. In a city like Pittsburgh, where each neighborhood is its own market, regular customers who visit two or more times a week can account for 75% of a restaurant or bar’s total revenue. Regardless of a restaurant’s location, some concessions must be made in an effort to please and retain its best customers. New and established customers routinely ask to make little modifications to food and beverage items; with or without cheese, on the rocks instead of straight up, with chicken instead of beef, split onto two separate plates, with vodka instead of gin and so on. In a casual dining environment these minor adjustments are expected and easily accommodated. But how do restaurants decide when they need to say no? Restaurant personnel and customers have very different perspectives and opinions about this subject. Yes, we can make you that burger with a different cheese but no, we won’t stock gluten free beer just for you.

It is second nature for restaurateurs and service staff to be people pleasers. They genuinely want to make all of their customers happy, but that is simply not possible. Restaurants have to stay focused on executing the menu items and service style that are true to their concept and doing so to the best of their ability. The idea that the customer is always right is a myth. If we operated under that premise we’d go broke quickly trying to follow every trend and entertain every whim and bad idea everyone ever had. Just think, you could be dining on deconstructed cheese curds and oyster foam on a mattress, with strangers and in total darkness. But there are some restaurants out there that try to offer something for every possible taste. And if they haven’t gone out of business, you can usually find them located at the end of interstate off ramps and in the finest mall parking lots everywhere.  

In an extremely informal survey I conducted on SurveyMonkey.com via Facebook and Twitter, I found that 100% of respondents identified themselves as “regular” customers at a casual or fine dining restaurant.  25% of those respondents felt that 4 visits to the same restaurant should establish one’s status as a regular while 45% think 6 or more visits are required. For 44% of survey takers, that equals 2-4 visits to their favorite restaurant each month. 14% visit once or twice a week and 7 % visit more than twice a week. Of the remaining respondents, 22% patronize their regular spot an average of twice a month and for 11%, it’s once a month or less. The majority of survey respondents, 37%, estimated they spend an average of $15-20 per person per visit, while 26% estimated their spending at $20-30 per person. 75% of those surveyed agreed that restaurant staff should know the names and food and drink preferences of regular customers. 63% think a complimentary food or drink for regulars is in order occasionally. And while 67% think it’s only appropriate for a regular to ask for modifications to already available food and drink items, a whopping 26% believe it’s acceptable to request items that aren’t even on the menu. 16% feel that it is appropriate for regulars to request changes to music, lighting and television channels. And 11% believe that regular customers should be seated ahead of other customers, regardless of how busy the restaurant is at the time. Only 7% of the survey respondents thought that “regular” status at a restaurant didn’t entitle them to any special services or products.

Last year the 960,000 restaurants in the U.S. generated about $604 Billion in sales. According to the US Department of Labor, the average American contributed over $5000 to that sales total.  That’s an average of 7% of each American’s total annual expenditures, roughly the same amount we each spend on “utilities, fuels and public services.” The point of sharing these statistics is simply to illustrate the important role that restaurants play in our lives. From my perspective as a restaurant employee, taking into account the amount of money that an individual customer spends in our restaurant weekly, monthly or annually makes it easier for me to understand why he or she might feel entitled to service that goes above and beyond what is customary. But understanding what motivates people doesn’t necessarily mean I’m willing to accommodate them.

Keeping regular customers happy, thanking them for their patronage and making them feel special while not surrendering the identity of a business to their flights of fancy is a precarious balance to maintain. There are still a few restaurants out there, mainly of the big chain varieties, which welcome and encourage your comments and suggestions. I am intrinsically opposed to the suggestion box. Anonymous comments and suggestions make it difficult for me to take into account the credibility of the person making suggestions or their relationship to the restaurant. I’m not generally inclined to consider special requests from a guy who comes into the restaurant once every three months, spends 10 bucks and complains incessantly because we don’t have meatball hoagies on the menu and Bud Light on tap. And I’ve seen the types of suggestions that emerge from the box. “You should have topless waitresses.” “Stay open 24 hours.” “You guys need to have a karaoke night.” “Prices are too high!! You should have a $1 value menu.”  Um…no.

There isn’t another industry that is subject to as many self proclaimed experts and self appointed critics as the restaurant and food service industry. And all by virtue of the fact that would be experts have eaten food in some restaurant somewhere and therefore understand how restaurants work and are somehow qualified to pass judgment. We each pass judgment by deciding where we spend our money. Making choices everyday as consumers doesn’t make us experts at anything but spending our own money.

In this era of food tv channels and celebrity chefs who aren’t actually chefs, we as restaurant staffers are constantly inundated with suggestions and requests regarding everything from menus to music, from all manner of people who are often without restaurant, retail or professional cooking experience. Customers learn a few buzz words like crème fraiche, caramelize and julienne and suddenly they’re James Beard. So even at the risk of offending one of my own customers I’m going to break the following news. Just because you go out to eat in restaurants, you watch Chopped and Top Chef religiously and you once cooked an entire seven course meal right out of the pages of the French Laundry cookbook does not mean that you know one damn thing about the restaurant business.  By that logic, the fact that I brush my teeth twice a day means that I know enough about dentistry to tell my dentist how to do his job.

I’m flattered that you want to share your Aunt Yetta’s plum pierogi recipe with me but I can’t offer it as a featured item despite your personal assurances that it’s incredible. I’m just too certain that I can’t sell it to anybody but you and maybe not even to you. Restaurants and bars, small businesses in general, have to stay true to their concept while allowing for a little wiggle room so adjustments can be made as they come to better understand and serve their market. So it’s not that we don’t appreciate your opinion or want to cater to your personal tastes, it’s just that we have to be aware of a bigger picture when we make decisions about what we can and can’t do or sell.

Most of us walk around believing, on some level, that it’s “all about me”. So I understand that you think you make a perfect and delicious cheesecake or pizza dough or Marsala sauce at home. That’s awesome. Please bring me some next time. But unless you’ve had to make that one item every day, multiple times a day, for several months, in an impossibly limited amount of time, each time producing an identical finished product, each time for a different person who may want you to make instant modifications to that item and knowing that with every single plate you serve you’re subject to potential review on Yelp, Urbanspoon, Twitter or any number of food blogs and Facebook pages, then you really don’t understand what’s happening behind that kitchen door. And until you’ve made that item repeatedly while you simultaneously prepare twenty other items for twenty different customers, while you yell at servers and bartenders to pick up their orders, while one of those servers has an emotional break down and starts crying because you’re mean, while you have to take ten seconds away from what you’re cooking to wrap the third degree steam burn you just suffered on your wrist, while you realize the prep cook forgot to tell you to pick up more fresh mozzarella for the night, while you notice that the dishwasher is slurring his speech and foaming at the mouth as a result of God knows what controlled substance he ingested on his way to work and while you attempt to take a call from the boss who wants an explanation as to why he just received a text from one of the regulars complaining that the cheese on their plate wasn’t sliced the same way as the last time they were there, then you can’t possibly relate to what the average restaurant chef is juggling and the decisions that he or she has to make in an instant including whether or not they are able to honor your special request. If you’ve ever wondered why Gordon Ramsey is so quick to hurl the f-bomb at people, just chew on that scenario for a few minutes and you’ll understand.

Please don’t mistake this for whining. I actually love cooking professionally. I genuinely enjoy working on the line in a busy restaurant kitchen.  Not just because I’m an egomaniacal adrenaline junkie with a constant need for approval and instant gratification, but also because I really do want you to love my food. I want the memory of something I made for you to bring a smile to your face. I want you to crave the things that you will only find in my kitchen and to bring your friends back with you so they can try them too. I want you to think of our restaurant first when you’re choosing a place to relax and enjoy your down time. I just don’t want you to ask me stupid questions and make outrageous requests of my time while you’re here relaxing. That may seem a bit harsh, but I’m just being honest. Anytime a conversation with a customer starts with “Hey! You know what you guys should do here?” I immediately retreat to the relative safety of the kitchen

Each of us chooses our favorite haunts based on varied criteria. Food and beverage quality, selection and specialties, ambience, staff personalities, kid-friendly products and services, comfortable chairs, big televisions and unique juke box compilations are all among the factors that influence our choices.  If we are physically, financially and emotionally comfortable in a restaurant and it offers just a few of the amenities we seek as consumers then our repeated patronage is likely. And I happen to believe that the average consumer doesn’t expect perfection. The place that I choose to stop for a night cap most weekends is far from perfect. They offer no late night food service or free wireless, they occasionally run out of my preferred spirit and the unavoidable presence of the big mouth, neighborhood know-it-all is all but guaranteed. But when I make my 1:00 a.m. stop there it’s because I need to decompress before I go home.  So the amenities I seek most often are provided; a salty but witty and attentive bartender who pours a generous drink, cartoons or classic movies on the televisions and an always entertaining group of fellow regulars who are just as happy to engage in friendly conversation with me as they are to pretend like I’m not there. So it’s perfect for me. I don’t expect to be handed the moon, but maybe that’s because I work in the industry. I waited three years before asking the owner of my late night hang out to stock my liquor of choice. It was then that I felt I’d proven myself as a regular and there could be no doubt that I would return often to buy that special booze I’d requested.

As far as I’m aware there has been no manual written about how to be a good customer. The reality is that some people just live their lives with a greater sense of entitlement than others. Common sense and courtesy, commodities too often in short supply, should be the guide when deciding what it is reasonable to request from a restaurant, bar or any business outside of the confines of what is typically offered. If you need to think about whether or not the request you’re about to make is unreasonable, then it probably is. Try a role reversal. What do you do for a living? How quick are you to say yes when your customers want you to do something for them that you don’t normally do? And don’t use cooking shows and competitions as a guide to what is reasonable to expect from a restaurant. Those shows are no more based in reality than Snooki’s life on the Jersey Shore. Chefs, bartenders and servers aren’t magicians. We’re just people who make a living trying to make other people happy. But we can’t entertain the whims of every customer or even begin to please all of the people all of the time. Will we serve you your favorite drink in a special glass? Yes. Will we melt your favorite cheese over your fries or give you a double order of the homemade croutons with your soup? Yes. Will we make you a sandwich from a menu that was discontinued six months ago? Maybe. Will we seat your group in front of customers who have been waiting for half an hour or keep some ground ostrich meat on hand just in case the mood strikes you? Probably not. Do tell us when you’re unhappy and we’ll try to make it right. But remember, you’re a regular here because, basically, you already love us for what we are. So embrace it, enjoy it, let us do what we do to keep you coming back for more and please, don’t let the door hit you in the ass. 

The Vodka Diet Revived

Earlier this week I was directed to Greg Miller's Nurse the Hate Blog due to the uncanny timing of a post. I loved it and as a result of reading it, I decided to revive my Vodka Diet blog. Here I will post the items that are not at all likely to be published by the Trib or any other reputable publisher. I won't post much but what I do post will be fun (for me), possibly full of bad words and probably offensive to some. Please subscribe so you can help me track the steady decline of my sense of decorum and sanity. Thanks! -Olga