Not a Party for Everyone
For
some restaurant staffers, St. Patrick’s Day is the most dreaded day of the
year. As the head chef of an Irish pub for several years, for me it always
meant a very long and laborious week that ended with a trip to the
chiropractor. For the Irish and Irish themed bars in Pittsburgh as well as all of
the bars and restaurants in Market Square, the day of the St. Patrick’s Day parade
is as completely insane a party as on St. Patrick’s Day itself. This year both
events fall on the same day and I am positively elated that I won’t be anywhere
near Market Square or any Irish pub to witness the madness. My sympathy will be
with my friends in the industry who have no choice but to be in the thick of
it, up to their knees in mayhem and drunks. Working in the “Irish for a day”
hot spots, you experience the worst of people on this one day on a level unlike
the worst of any other day. Customers that you only see once a year, customers
that you’ll never see again and often customers that you see on a regular basis
throw all decorum out the window and tie one on like it’s their first and last
day of drinking on this earth. The unfortunate few that have to attend to the inebriated
hordes will have front row seats for fist fights and face-plants. They’ll have
to clean up puke and remove one or many revelers from their premises. They’ll
cut many people off from alcohol service and may have to call the police to
handle a belligerent customer more than once. They’ll be covered in beer and onion
gravy and all manner of unidentifiable substances. Yes, they’ll make some money
but they’ll have earned every penny of it, particularly as a more than a few of
you will be too drunk to remember to tip properly if you remember to tip at all.
And by the end of the day, they will hate you with a passion that is white hot.
Many of them will consider new careers and a few will leave the restaurant
industry in a spontaneous and dramatic March 17th departure. It is with these
service industry workers in mind that I offer up this guide to not making an
ass of yourself to everyone planning to partake in the party of all Pittsburgh
parties that is St. Patrick’s Day.
St. Patrick’s Day Guide to Not
Making an Ass of Yourself
1. Have
a designated driver prearranged or a safe escape plan.
If
nobody in your group is willing to be the DD then plan to spend money on a cab
or car service or reserve a hotel room. If you’re downtown and need a cab then
your best bet is not to call the Yellow Cab number but to walk to one of the
hotels, tip the doorman ($5or more) and ask him/her to get you a taxi to
wherever you’re going. Calling for a cab in Pittsburgh is, under normal
circumstances, an exercise in futility. Walk to a hotel and make the doorman
your new best friend. If you drive into town, don’t park illegally.
2. Pace
yourself.
Drinking
all day requires some planning. If
you’re not accustomed to drinking from breakfast to last call then the fact
alone that it is St. Patrick’s Day will not improve your tolerance. Eat
breakfast and avoid doing shots. One drink an hour is enough if you’re in for
the long haul. Also try to drink a glass of water or other non-alcoholic
beverage between each round.
3.
Have your credit card or cash in
hand and at the ready.
There
is no “honor system” on St. Patrick’s Day. No bartender in their right mind is
going to trust you to pay at your leisure so be prepared. You’ll speed up service
for everyone.
4. Don’t
forget your manners.
A
“please” and “thank you”, not positioning yourself in the middle of the service
bar area and resisting the urge to scream song requests at the band or bang
your glass on the bar for the bartender’s attention will go a long way in
creating good will between you and the staff at any bar.
5. Keep
your group together.
If
you’re out with a group, make sure everyone is accounted for when leaving one
place and heading to another. This will eliminate a lot of the potential for
drama later in the night. Nobody wants to be interviewed on the news the day
after an outing because a friend went missing. And for goodness sake, if one of
the members of your group is too trashed to continue to the next stop, please
send him or her home. If you can’t put them in a cab then it’s time for you to
call it a night. There will be another St. Patrick’s Day and parade day next
year but you can’t replace a friend. And cab fare is much cheaper than bail. Do
the responsible thing and look out for your buddy’s safety and well being as
well as your own.
6.
The most basic, everything you
learned in kindergarten, rules of acceptable behavior should be observed.
No
pushing and shoving, no fighting, no stripping or urinating in public, no
spitting, no screaming, no leaving the party with strangers, no driving while
under the influence and no lewd and lascivious public displays of affection. Do
not attempt to sit-in with the band, get behind the bar or walk into the
kitchen or venture into any other “employees only” area of any bar or
restaurant. Don’t touch anyone without his or her permission, don’t drink from
anyone else’s glass, use your indoor voices and don’t forget to tip servers,
bartenders, valets, doormen and the like.
7.
Finally, have a
happy, safe and enjoyable St. Patrick’s Day without risking incident, injury or
incarceration.
Sláinte! Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Daoibh!
